...

every day is getting more and more longer and disgusting.
i think my family just really dislikes me.
they surveillance me.
my brothers house is directly next to mine and his house has a view of the front yard and backyard.
il walk up the road to go and get the mail, and somehow my mom knows exactly what time i went and got the mail.
"drew said you checked the mail today so I didn't stop at the mailbox".
how the hell does drew know that?
does he just watch out his window constantly? are there motion sensors that alert when i leave my home?
im almost certain there are cameras.
i've been getting weary of the snow that fell these past few days. i hate how i can see feet prints in the snow. there seems to occasionally be human prints that walk up and back down the driveway. my brother wouldn't walk to get the mail, nor would anyone ever besides me. they have cars, i do not. our mailbox is half a mile up the road. who is coming back here during late hours of the night?
il refer back to a previous blog where i mentioned a scary man that showed up at my front door at 2 in the morning shouting for help. im afraid that he was a sex trafficker trying to lure an empathetic woman outside of the house. my mom decorates the porch with frilly feminine things, and we are far enough into the woods where noone could hear you scream. my mom had her car air tagged by a stranger in 2025, as well as her brakes intentionally cut.
whos making the prints in the snow? whos coming back here?
every bump in the night sends shivers down my spine. even after the incident with the stranger showing up, my mom still doesn't lock the cars or doors. she was initially so afraid.
it bugs me because im the only one who actually heard or saw him. my only proof that it wasn't in my head was my dog ferociously barking at the door for 15 minutes before i got up and checked the window.
my brother treated it as a joke. the man showed up at 2am, but my mom had work at 4am. when it was time for her to go to work, i kept watch as she ran into her car. my brother then casually walked out of his house and up to her car, and opined her door, resting his elbow on the roof of the car, laughing at how afraid she was. she began to cry and ran back into the house.
i was like. what the fuck andrew. and he was like "wait, you were being serious? O_O".
yes, you fucking lunatic.
only a week had passed before my mom stopped locking the doors again. we never lock our shit because nobody comes here. but now i think we definitely should. but she sees 0 urgency in any of it.
its like an obsessive compulsive nightmare! usually these things would be delusions but they aren't! i have proof for all of it!
cameras, being surveillanced, strangers trudging back here through the woods, its all true
but its a joke to everyone else! i just want to stop being so afraid!

im switching topics. im tired of talking about that.
i did some more thinking regarding my ASPD. sociopathy. i used to say i DO feel empathy unlike other sociopaths, but that isn't true.
i DON'T feel empathy, apparently.
my very extremely empathetic girlfriend explained to me that. empathy is like. a Feeling you get in your chest. like if someone gets hurt, usually people kinda like, feel their hurt in a way? like if a person was crying, empathetic people would probably want to start crying too. Or they'd be extremely compelled to empathise with said person to help them.
i dont feel any of that, like, ever.
i originally thought empathy was just willingly comforting someone and caring about the feelings of others. when in reality, you're meant to like FEEL empathy.
but of course, if someone was crying, id comfort them, but i dont FEEL sad for them. i just know that it sucks to cry, so i help them.
whenever people are sad or upset around me, i never 'feel' sad. even if like their whole family died or something! it makes me feel like a monster.
feeling sadness is next to impossible unless it has to do with childhood trauma.
i never cry and its hard to cry, especially in the presence of sadness that dosn't affect me directly. i feel guilt for not feeling the wide range of emotions that other people do! and it pisses me off!
im such a sweet, caring, and loving person, but i never Feel the love. i just Like to inflict love onto others who need it. im very patient as well,,
its just so hard to believe how many things people around me are feeling. there's been times where I've vented to friends, and they cry in response because of their empathy. but it enraged me. I didn't understand WHY they were crying.
before the realisation of aspd, i was under the impression that me being assaulted was no crying matter. after all, i hadnt cried once about it. but my friends WERE for some reason, and it messed with my head, and perception of the world.
aspd being brought up by my therapist saved my life. i now know not to entirely trust my lack of emotion, and to take things more seriously when the people around me underline it's urgency. its how i even knew to get away from my ex.
anyways im still incredibly suicidal and it hasnt gotten any better. my family took me off their phone plan, spotify plan, and refused to take me to get my medication because i dont deserve it.

unprompted within this blog, I'd say "tell me why i shouldn't use my adult money to uber down to walmart, buy a gun, and shoot myself in the parking lot" but i wouldnt want an answer because im just saying shit.
also, i haven't hurt myself in a long time. it just doesn't really do anything for me anymore. i have many ace wraps and supplies that wont be used, because it doesn't soothe me as much as the idea of just killing myself does.
when i say i want to kill myself, its like a choice. a mission. a goal. i believe i was meant to die, almost in a biblical way. and it doesn't make me feel a thing. I'm sure if i was able to feel more than a sociopath could, maybe killing myself would seem scarier than it does now. maybe my survival instincts would kick in. but they simply do not.
the only thing holding me together is the idea of my girlfriend having to cope with me being gone.
if i diddnt have her i think i would be dead by now, but not in the "stay with me or else il kill myself!" kind of way. I'm not like that.
the fact its so easy for me to just Buy a gun is terrifying. i have no history of violence, criminal activity, or documented mental health issues. my pre-purchase background check would be spotless.
If I were to go out I'd want it to be by gunshot. Between the eyes. i want to ensure a closed-casket funeral.
i feel no will to live because I feel as if life isn't really anything at all. I don't feel it. i feel dead already, actually.
i dont eat, i dont sleep, i dont leave the house. i feel like a poltergeist. i eat my family's food and I use their resources. I feel like I'm a cancer patient on life support begging to be unplugged.

may a stranger trudge back here at a time where im dumb enough to open the door.