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my mom left the house on thursday, and she will be gone until monday.
this is not really anything new, she has left for months at a time before due to her job.
i still feel isolated, even when she is home.
lately it has become increasingly difficult to keep talking to friends and mutuals. i have 2 collabs im excited to do but cant really bring myself to work on them just yet.
i had a good therapy appointment a couple of days ago, talking about the way my childhood experiences affect how my brain functions today. but at one point my therapist told me she thinks i might have schizophrenia due to what ive been telling her.
for context, back in 2021 i was given a 'false' diagnosis for schizophrenia, and i was medicated for it. the meds didnt really help me so i told my doctor that i probably diddnt have it and that i wanted to revoke the diagnosis. she gave me a paper to fill out with questions, and upon her review, she revoked the diagnosis somehow. il admit i kind of cheesed the paper a bit in favor of getting the diagnosis removed, but as far as i was concerned, i did not have it.
ever since i was a kid i would hallucinate, have delusions, as well as exhibit strong congnative and behavioral issues. i never really cried as a kid either, which my therapist thinks is rather odd.
it reached its peak in 2021, with daily hallucinations, sleep paralysis, sleep walking, INTENSE delusions, ect.
these delusions i experienced were primarily the fear of being watched. i would think there were cameras in my room. i was so certain of this, that i would never fully undress when changing, rather id cover myself in a blanket and dress myself under it. i also tended to take photos of my neighbors lisence plates as well as take daily photos of my front and back yard.
i was always under the impression that there was this divine intervention being given to me.
i would visit thrift stores to collect porcelain cats, the kinds that grandmas typically have. i would buy any old cheap cat related items that had eyes, and would regularly put new batteries in my kit cat clock. they were a friendlier thought than cameras, and it was a controlled way for god to monitor me, and punish me thoroughly.
i was so certain that i had demons in my head, i owned 3 crucifixes and a small bottle of holy water.
of course nowadays i look back and laugh at how strange my behavior was, and i know now that those delusions were far from the truth. but as the days go on, ive been beginning to have hallucinations again. i feel that they are only returning due to recent stress, and a rocky healing process, but i am just so dissapointed that it is still capable of happening.
i see spiders, i see shadows, typically non-detailed depictions of form.
on the other hand, auditory hallucinations feel so real and it makes me sick.
i hear music coming from my livingroom when nobody is home. of course i go out to look, and the music stops. the tv is off, and we own no radios. i live miles from the nearest populated area, and there are a mile of trees in every direction around my house.
i never hear voices, but i do hear human sounds like breathing, grunting, screaming, crying, ect.
just this morning i had my first sleep paralysis in 4 years. here is a description of how it went.
i briefly awoke and felt too tired to move. i then hear the sound of running water hitting the floor, as if a bottle had spilt on my nightstand and was pouring water onto the carpet.
i felt too tired to care, so i just stared around my room. i then heard what sounded like a garden hose was being sprayed outside of my window, and these sounds of running water got louder and more intense. at this point i could feel my heart racing. but amongst the chaos, i started to hear intense hyperventilation. it wasn't my own, it sounded like a small child was panicing, the hitching breath of what sounded like a little girl. i felt so heavy, i was looking around to see my dog was making sounds, but i could not locate her in the dark. as ive mentioned prior, i could see light through the cracks in my door. my door is right in front of my bed, and the light could be seen very clearly, until i saw a dark figure blocking the light, a very simplistic, minimal human form was blocking that sliver of light. as soon as i saw this, my brain fried from fear and i jolted up and was fully awake now.
everything was quiet.
i could see the sliver of light through my door again. my dog was fast asleep next to my leg. i immediately began calling out to hocus, my girlfriend, who was on a call with me. it took a minute, but she woke up and i immediately told her what had just happined. it was very very intense, probably one of the worst episodes of sleep paralysis ive experienced. eventually i fell back asleep and woke up and made an egg bagel, but holy shit. in the moment it truly felt like i was dying, and that if i DID end up living, id never live it down. but as soon as i woke up, all of those feelings vanished and i was more intrigued than anything.

avoiding a diagnosis is inherently bad, no matter what way i spin it. i just hate that its a possibility. the societal view on schizophrenia is very sensationalized.
i suppose i will keep talking to my therapist about it, she is asking me to bring it up with my psychiatrist, and i agreed to.
in other news, i reached out my ex's ex, and her experience with him has so many parallels to the experiences i had with him. i feel very seen.