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something i think about a lot is my early exposure to the internet at a young age...
ive ranted to my mom about this topic many times before and she just gets a bit sad and annoyed at me whenever i bring it up. she tells me its a blameless accident and that i should move on.

my mother has never really seen the past as somthing that effects the present, she refuses to see it that way.
ive heard her tell me "i thought i could trust you to be safe online when you were a kid" and it boils my blood. she never taught me about the dangers of the internet, she only taught me about real life strangers!
at one point when i was 13 and ranting about how cool my online friends were, she told me "be careful, your friends could all be 40 year old men" and i made sure that none of my friends were too much older than i was, not knowing that people my age could be JUST as dangerous.
the groomer who ruined my life was just a year older than i was. i thought, well, that wasnt a 40 year old man! that was a kid! just like me! ive even seen his school id, and i literally have his address because he trusted me so much! i have nothing to worry about.
at one point we were planning to meet up as his house, and my parents were 100% okay with that! the only thing preventing that from happening was covid.

my mom entirely believes that she wasnt at fault in the slightest. as a kid, i had full rein over my laptop, and my 2014 android tablet. i learnt of all the weird booru sites, as well as being fucked up by certain content accessible via youtube. it actually makes me so sick that she just let all of it happen, right under her nose.
what is the logic in giving a child a piece of technology, without you, the parent, knowing anything about it.
god.
its like putting your child in scalding bathwater after forgetting to check the temperature, then saying its a blameless mistake, and that the child shouldve known the water couldve been hot.
mind ruined by furry porn before i was even 14. my friends all suffered the same fate.
it enrages me that i cannot ever truly get over it. so much of my development was stunted, twisted, and neglected. its all neglet.
i was neglected, everyone gave up on me and my feeble growing mind.
i have 5 siblings, only grew up to know two of them. my brother and my sister.
the both of them were in their teens when i was born, both very tech savy.
they both knew very well of the dangers of the internet.
at times, i would go up to my sister and complain to her about people online sexually harassing me, and she would tell me it was normal.
i would go up to her and tell her of the harassment i experieced in real life, she would also tell me it was normal.
my brother works in cyber secutiry for the air force and my sister went to college for html and web design. they couldve done SOMTHING.
they couldve educated my mother, me, my father, but no, they diddnt.
i was left to fester like an untreated cyst. legitimately i feel like i wouldve ended out as a much healthier individual if i hadent been raised like how i was.
i was an autistic child, diagnosed very early. my family treated me like an anomaly, and wouldnt really speak to me much. i was left to my own devices (literally) all the time.
if reincarnation was real, i would start over. and since bendy can go between timelines, shed meet me there too.
it feels like a lost cause to keep going, although i want to. i really want to. god, i want to learn how to live again but its impossible.
knowing that somthing couldve been done, knowing there were so many preventable trageties, it makes me heave.
at one point, i asked my mother why my sister told 12yo me that the sexual harassment i experienced was normal. my mother replied; "its because your sister was abused in that way by her father, so she has demons in her, making her think its normal."

okay. so. when faced with a response like that, i think i was fucked from the very beginning.

i think generational trauma is inexcusable. i truly do. there is no reason for it.
i would never wish for my childeren to go through ANYTHING of the sort. instead of projecting my past onto my kids, i will give them sex education and teach them EVERYTHING about addiction and the internet.
i really have no ways of taking my life and it gives me the shivers. back when my mom's handgun was in the kitchen drawer, i felt like i had a way out. but a few months ago, my therapist made me tell her to put the firearm in my brother's gunsafe.
i really should be telling all of this to my therapist, and not this public blog. it makes me feel like im shouting "AHHH IM GONNA DO IT!" in a crowd of people. but i feel these things every second of every day, i dont know what do with it in between therapy sessions.
dying means i wouldnt have to do anything anymore, i wouldnt even know im gone. i cannot even comprehend the idea of nothing. and i feel comforted by the idea of nothing. in death, nothing isnt even a concept. there are no concepts. its null. its somthing noone can ever really comprehend, until they are dead.
im so tiired i want to sleep. its 10am and ive been up all night. i want to die but there is no way for me to do that anymore.
my therapist says if i harm myself again then she will be forced to call the police, and theyl throw me in cuffs and take me to a mental facility for an extended stay. i cant do that. college classes start like. tommarow.
i would go if i had the time but i just dont. i dont have any time.
i keep hallucinating spiders crawling on the floor and my walls. im very afraid of spiders.
i want to leave the house, i keep making excuses for my mom to take me places, i lie to her and tell her i need to go with her when she picks up my meds, when i dont need to go with her. i want to leave the house.
my house is located in a forest, a mile of trees in all directions, and i cannot drive. even if i could, i have no car, and cannot get one.
my mom hates taking me places. she hates it. she only ever wants to stay home when she has a day off of work. the odds are against me, and i dont like it.
i have therapy tommarow so im hoping that will satiate me.