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warnings for

suicidal ideation, childhood neglect, scaryness

worst thing ever like holy shit friends merry christmas!
my brother called the cops on me because i had a breakdown and began bashing my forehead against the sharp corner of my doorframe while mindlessly blabbering about killing myself.
this all began because my brother and mom wanted to have an 'intervention' because i was 'verbally abusing my mother'
want to know what the verbal abuse was?
questioning her parenting decisions and asking why she left me to rot in my room for 7 of my adolescent and teen years. i wanted a reason behind the neglect. i wanted to know why. i wanted closure.
during these conversations, i've never called her demeaning names. i've never raised my voice. i've never talked down to her. she would just cry in response of what she'd refer to as a touchy question.
i should be the one crying, actually. but i dont cry because im a lunatic.
my mom, as expected, would tell my older brother (hes 36 btw) all of this was happening and how it made her cry.
after another one of those spiraling arguments where she screamed at me about how it was my fault i was groomed online and given internet access at age 9, she cried. as always.
i stayed in my room for a while, i cant bare to even live in her house.
i woke up to knocking, and my brother was there, standing behind the kitchen counter as my mom sat solemnly in her desk chair.
my brother then said "i need you to stop this horrible, terrible, verbal ABUSE towards your mother."

it was at this point that all the life drained from my face, as i stood there with my weight adjusted to my left hip for stability, and my arms crossed. just staring at a blank wall.
i couldn't possibly recite every instance of interaction, but just know my brother made weird faces at my mom by how logical i was with my responses, and how calm and collected i was, and how i wasn't yelling over him or my mother during this entire interaction.
my brother was confused. im sure that my mom was embellishing everything to make it out to where SHE felt trapped with ME due to MY behavior.
i then went on to recite all the instances of manipulation my mom has exhibited over the past few months and years, prompting my brother to kinda get a bit pissed at my mom.
then my mental health was brought up. my brother was under the impression that i had been on antidepressants. he was about to have a gotcha moment where he was going to tell me "its the meds! theyre messing up your head and making you irritable!"
but, no. i havent been on medication since highschool.
he was kind of confused. my mom had been telling him the meds i was on were making me crazy or somthing.
my mom and brother know nothing of how antidepressants work or what they do to your brain. I explained how they work and how every human mind has a fragile balance of chemicals in their brain and body. antidepressants are plentiful in their amount of manufacturers and brands because there are so many ways someone's chemicals could be imbalanced. the antidepressants restore the unbalanced chemicals and it can improve mental stability. It isn't a miracle drug like they think it is.
my brother then asked "how would you feel needing to take a pill for the rest of your life?" and i responded "would it be different if it was something of an allergy medication? because i have to take those forever."
my brother then scoffed. "allergy medication?"
he was about to go on a tangent. then my mom said "yes, an allergy to all fruits and vegatables." my brother was about to go bananas at how silly that sounds. he turned to me to debate me as if this was a medically unproven sentiment that i held.
my mom then cut him off again and explained how my allergy test appointment went and how it shocked the allergist.
whatever.
my brother then brought up DIET AND EXERSISE. and how that would make me NOT WANT TO KILL MYSELF ANYMORE.
my mom said "i bought that exercise bike and he never uses it". i said "i'll kill myself on that exercise bike."
near the tail end of the argument i was just ending every sentence with "il still just kill myself" or somthing else of that caliber.
my brother was then very irritated by me and my mom and how stupid this all was. he then shouted at me
"you have 30 days to get out of this house"
i backed up into my room and began bashing my forehead on my doorframe and let out a single, blood curdling scream on the other side of my door.
I then began manically apologizing and repeating how I never wanted any of this to happen and that I wish to live undetected and unseen.
my brother then shounted, "THRITY. DAYS."
then i said "if im out in 30 days il just kill myself in 20."
I slumped onto my bed and laid there. I was debating on downing my entire stash of vodka to try and die of alcohol poisoning because I assumed they were just going to let me cool down for a bit. but then a knock 15 minutes later. I opined my door and said "holy shit"
there were 2 friendly officers there to greet me! they sat me down on my couch and questioned me, then walked me outside saying they wanted to put me in an ambulance. there were literally 7 cop cars outside. the whole time i was just enamored by their vests and badges, very dazily stating how I've never seen an officer this close before and how i was amazed by how intricate their uniforms were.
the lady in the back of the ambulance was very sweet. my stay at the hospital was whatever. nice nurse talked to me about sudoku. i then get a call from my dad. what does he want?
he then told me my brother called him, and my dad said "he sounded so serious. he wants you out of the house. stop doing this to your mother. its all your fault" all that kind of shit. i cried a little bit!
none of this needed to happen. this was my punishment. to them, they've won they have successfully tamed me. I'm a ruthless child. I'm disobedient and unruly. I'm manipulative and deserved this. I deserve to pay this medical bill with my college savings. I deserve to be treated like a ticking timebomb. i deserve to kill myself.
but in the end, nothing really happened. i made a flawless apology over the phone to both my mom and my brother, my mom still reiterating that i deserved all of this as well as the neglect i experienced as a child, because in her words "you couldn't be contained because you never made the choice to get off the internet". I was 9. I had zero supervision. i was never taught anything ever, either.
I didn't know how my body worked until i was 16 because a pedophile told me everything about my body's functions, as well as it's fetishable traits.
that's how I learned pretty much everything. all my life skills, my coping mechanisms, all from these evil internet people. so, of course i stayed with them. of course I poured years into building friendships with them. i was left alone. I actually brought up my lack of sex education during the argument. my brother asked "you didn't have sex ed in school?"
and no, i didn't. because i was in special education courses. they don't give autistic children sexual education based on the expectation that they'll never be loved. They'll never have sex. they'll never get married or have kids. no college preparation in highschool either. they just expect you to live off of disability. so, no. i didnt have sexual education.
man i just want to literally die straight up. I hate christmas I hate december. this kind of evil shit happens every christmas i swear.