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i think i've lost it

i was in the kitchen and i made soup. mm. and i noticed im out of spoons. i use plastic cutlery because i hate doing dishes.
we always have a spare box of plastic cutlery for whenever we ran out, but the thing is, i had no idea where it was.
i was scared to find the spoons. i was afraid id get too worked up looking for the spoons and that id freak out upon suddenly seeing the label in the midst of a cluttered cabinet. i wasn't ready to find them.

i was afraid, the anticipation was all consuming.
i couldn't stand the idea of seeing them when not expecting to see them.

'round the kitchen i paced, sheilding my eyes. i knew the box was blue, but i felt that seeing the SPOONS label was too much. so i rumaged thru cabinets, sifting for a blue box with my limited vision. the stakes were high.

i was tearing up, only a little. i hadent found them yet. i turned around from the cabinet, almost afraid theyd be behind me in plain sight on a table or somthing. thankfully, they werent.
i was considering just using a fork. we had forks. but i was eating soup. and i also needed to get over this strange fear.
i was pacing again, worried sick of finding them. then. i look up at the fridge, and the bright blue box was there. my heart sank, but i also felt relieved. i wasnt ready to see them. i don't know if i ever could've been ready.
regardless, i had found them, poured spooks into our plastic cutlery holder, and enjoyed my soup.

i have come to the conclusion that this is most certainly a symptom of ocd.
i have had similar instances of 'not being ready' to find somthing im looking for.
and it isnt limited to stuff i look for, it could be me asking someone somthing and dreading the yes or no response, not wanting to open somthing even though i know whats inside, etc. im just afraid of seeing the thing im expecting to see. i postpone finding items by looking in places they wouldn't be. its weird.

i have therapy on the 9th so i'll definently tell her about it. also i think im facing the worst of whats to come regarding the symptoms of isolation.
ive been beginning to see and hear strange things and ive been more sick of my computer. im on it 98 hours every week. ive counted. if there's 168 hours in a week, and you subtract 40 for sleeping, its 128 hours. for the sake of times when i get up and do whatever, il subtract maybe 8. you get 120 hours every single week spent on the computer. it is all im able to do here.
my house is the size of a classroom and i live on a secluded farm, nowhere to walk from here. i cannot drive, and even if i had a lisence i have no car. my mom has been away for about a week so far, and even when shes here i still feel entirely isolated and alone. i feel like i want to scream. i hate seeing things that arent there i hate hearing knocking sounds i hate that the only times i leave the house are when i beg my mom to take me with her when we pick up a walmart order. and this isnt like, going in the store, this is sitting in the parkinglot waiting for a prepaid order to be loaded in the back of your vehicle. the drive to walmart is 5 minutes.
i feel like im going to throw up i hate being here every day feels like im just waiting for somthing to happen. im always online on discord. im always here.
i have no friends irl that can drive either. so im basically fucked

i am here until i go to college and live in a dorm which is september 2026, so another year of this is what i have to go through
i waaant to leeeaaavee i want to leave so so so so bad i want to leave the house and go on long car rides i want to go to the mall i want to go to the store and actually go inside to get grocieries
my vision gets blurry and snowy from the artificial lighting im always staring at, my monitor's brightness is the lowest i can make it and it still isnt enough. the words on my screen are burning into my retinas and i see lines of text whenever i blink. it is sickening. somtimes i wander around my fenced-in backyard and it feels nice. i like the sky i like the fresh air of the country.
im thankful i dont live in a crowded suburb or a big city, but out here there is just nothing to do.